My Life in a Foster Care Space Warp

Just So You Know

2012-02-11T12:32:00.000-08:00

A little heads-up for you trolls coming in late to class. I don't publish anonymous comments. An empty identity equals anon. in my book.

Also, has anyone been following the Josh Powell tragedy? Are you noticing any changes in the way your county is dealing with cases in light of it? We already have new procedures in place in all DV cases.

You've Just Gotta Laugh

2012-02-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

My new baby is being picked up for visits with dad every week. He has sent me texts this week in which he informed me that I WILL supervise visits with him and that I work for him. He's a real gem.

The best text I got from him though was letting me know that the socks baby girl was wearing were not appropriate. He is asking to have her removed from my care because of them. They left a mark on her leg. I photographed the socks and the legs and sent them and a report noting his concerns to the baby's worker and ad litem. Not surprisingly, he offered an alternative placement. His mother will take the baby right away.

My life is entertaining if nothing else!

Don't Get It

2012-01-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just don't get it. I took my new baby to a visit with mom today. Now I have to say that I think she is probably a pretty good mom. The baby has been cared for, is developmentally on target and is about as well behaved as a toddler can be. She is well nourished and groomed. (she has been in a relative placement for the last 5-6 months, but I still think so)

Having said that, mom showed up to the visit at a very family friendly, public place dressed like a call girl. She has had some . . . ahem . . . work done and she was dressed to be certain that everyone could see it. She brought me a bag of clothes for baby, a few toys and a photo of herself and dad. I won't give you specifics, but it was a nice picture of them in a totally inappropriate setting. It was a bold statement to anyone who sees it that she will continue to do whatever she wants, regardless of what the county asks her to do. The baby's guardian ad litem met us right after the visit. She laughed so hard that tears rolled down her face. "Seriously? Seriously? She gave this to you?"

The worst part of the whole thing is I really don't think mom feels like there is any problem at all. She is pretty sure that the SW is going to get tired of bugging her and find someone else to pick on and move on. Baby will just quietly come on home and they will move on with their happy little lives.

Additionally dad's bad behavior and harassment has gotten me out of ever doing a visit with him. All visits must be done at a county facility or contract facility with security. Little hint buddy: if you are going to call names, threaten and generally tantrum, you shouldn't to it via text.

Surprise! (I don't think you really will be)

2012-01-22T21:20:00.000-08:00

I took an emergency placement last week. I am now mothering three children under three years old! What was I thinking? The sweet baby (toddler really) was supposed to be moved to relatives because the judge was not going to accept the detention petition, except he did. Baby is not going anywhere right now.

I've had lots of contact with mom, some with Granny and Grandpa (who had custody) and very little with dad. They are all in denial and there are definitely interesting dynamics (I know, there always are). I've been told by all of them that they've done everything requested of them. They have no idea why baby is still not home and there was no reason for the county to remove from Grandparents house. According to the finding, they haven't done anything on the case plan and the Grandparents left the child in an unsafe situation. The police were called and baby lives here now.

It's a DV case. I haven't seen the case plan but I can just about guarantee that the number one item on the plan is separate from the perp. Except she loves him and they are going to get married and he is a really, really good dad. Except maybe when he's drunk or had a bad day at his very stressful job. I've had four DV cases, the first two were reunified. In both, the victim cut all connection to the perp (starting the day the kids came into care) and after six or eight months got their kids back. The third case, they refused to separate and the baby went to a relative who later adopted her. In this case I suspect it will be a similar outcome, although not likely with a relative. It makes me mad because in spite of the fact that this mom is driving me crazy, (checking in every hour) I think she's a good mom. The baby has been well cared for, is developmentally on target and freaking adorable. She just can't put her child first.

I also had a newborn over the weekend for respite (cause I'm that kind of crazy) and it was awesome. I love newborns. I don't so much love getting up every two hours, but for a weekend it was heaven!

Wow!

2011-12-01T21:49:00.001-08:00

I had a little chat with a friend who is a supervisor in another region about the little boy we were hoping to bring home. He has finally been placed with another family. I happen to know the family and I think it's a good fit. They were given a little different story than I was about the (v-e-r-y-l-o-n-g) process, but still, he's home. I was chatting with my friend about it and she told me something interesting. We have about 150 waiting families in our county right now. Probably half of them want a healthy newborn, so we'll count them out, but still about 75 families ready and waiting for a child or a sib group. We have less than 30 waiting children in our county right now. All of them are extreme special needs children. The rules changed last year to make it easier for a foster family to keep a child that they have in home if they desire to do so. At the same time, the training changed to set foster families up to really consider keeping the children permanently. My friend was telling me that no one expected it to change the dynamics so quickly, but it makes sense to me. Nearly 80% of the foster families that have had children who became eligible for adoption have chosen to adopt those children. Wonder why we didn't do this sooner?

Six Million Dollars?

2011-11-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well, this is interesting. . .

I wonder if it will really change anything.

Are you kidding me?

2011-10-20T20:24:00.001-07:00

About 10 years ago, when I first started fostering, I licensed through a private foster family agency. The training I received from them was excellent. After a couple of years, I realized that it was a better fit for us to take placements directly from the county. The county made me retake all of the training classes from them. They were poorly implemented and ridiculous in light of the fact I had already taken ALL of the classed from a much better training agency. Whatever. It was a case of how high will she jump? I was told at that time that every foster parent, regardless of any prior training, must take the series of classes before being granted a license in our county. If someone were trained outside our county, if someone was a social worker turned foster parent, everyone. Period.

I found out today, in a round-about way that that was true of everyone except monolingual Spanish speakers. They only needed to be fingerprinted and have a home inspection. No training. Wait. What? Of course they needed to get their mandatory eight hours (at that time) of continuing education each year once they were licensed. Are you kidding me? I sat through every one of those stupid classes twice because I speak English?

Our county didn't offer the classes in Spanish at that time so they just waived the training. Nice huh? A couple of years ago they developed Spanish language training so the requirement is no longer waived. I'll say it again. Whatever.

Maybe a Date?

2011-10-07T21:30:00.000-07:00

Every year in November, our county has a huge adoption event somewhere around National Adoption Day (November 19th this year). They pack as many families into a courtroom as they possibly can and grant all the adoptions at once. The press is there and they have cake and balloons, you get the idea.

In order to have a truly full house, somewhere around the middle of October, all the adoption workers are given a mandate to finish up any trailing paperwork they can and get their families to finalization. We would be one of those families. We've been waiting months for our worker to produce one particular document. It's all we're waiting for. All the hearings have been heard, all the timelines and appeals allowances have run out. It's been more than 6 months that we've been waiting for this document. We heard a couple of months ago that it was nearly ready, but then. . . nothing. But now, we know this mandate is coming, our worker knows that she can put us on the list, if she will just spend half hour or so completing this document. I'm hopeful. Perhaps we truly will finalize before year's end. Perhaps, dare I say it? Before the holidays.

I know, I know!

2011-09-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

I know I was whining yesterday about not wanting to take any more kids right now. But if you were paying attention, you would have noticed that I was just whining about babies. Yes, funny for me as all I ever take is babies, right? True so far, but I'm open to change.

Over the summer we met a child. A child in grade school. Said child is younger than Ella, but not much. While we were becoming friends, this child joined the ranks of adoptable. Honey and I made an inquiry. We let the powers that be know that we would be interested in adopting this child. We were shown the door (and didn't let it whack us in the behind on the way out) and that was that.

In our county, a family that the child is unfamiliar with is preferable to a family that has an established relationship with the child. There are reasons for this, I don't agree with the reasons, but it isn't just random nastiness.

So a couple of months have passed and this child has still not been moved to an adoptive placement. Hmmm. I make a call. I am again told in no uncertain terms that this child is not an option for us, a waiting family will be chosen. OK. I get it. Only, why has it taken 3 months to start looking for a family and why was the child not placed in an adoptive home 6 months ago when it became apparent (even though not yet official) that Mama was not going to manage to get it together? The foster home is adequate, although certainly not stellar and it really irritates me that this child I love is stuck there and no one is moving to get a family for him. Particularly when there is a family ready and waiting?

Someone really should put me in charge. Really.

Really Surprised This Time.

2011-09-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today I got a truly surprising phone call. The girlfriend (or maybe ex-) of the boys paternal grandfather has a baby. He is close to two years old but has been in the system since birth. He is coming into the adoptive system because his mother has run out of chances. Although the child is not related to my boys, my name came up in the lottery. Would I like to take him? For a variety of reasons, I was not thrilled about this, but it doesn't matter because I can only have 2 kids under 2 years old and I already do. The thought of 3 boys in diapers gave me chills, and not in a good way. They may call me back in January when my oldest turns 2 if they don't place him by then. I hope they aren't holding out hope!

Also the boys have a teen aged brother on the paternal side and he and his girlfriend have just had a baby and the county has gotten a referral on that baby. Um. Still have 2 under 2! Don't call me.

What a Surprise!

2011-09-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

I know! It's been months since I posted. I am being very careful because things are hot in our county right now. People are in trouble for emailing pics, putting stuff on facebook, etc. We are so close to being finished with our adoption that I don't want to draw any attention to myself.

A funny thing happened this week and I thought you might find it interesting. Our state (maybe all states?) requires that the county disclose everything they know about the child prior to finalizing the adoption. There is a particular document that must be completed, signed and filed. Our boys worker has been dragging her feet about getting it done. We weren't surprised as she has a reputation for working very s-l-o-w-l-y. But last week she showed up with a draft of the document. She implied that there was a rush on getting it signed (she is being transferred) so she wanted me to review it and sign it. I looked it over and realized that there was some important information missing from the boys medical history. Information that will require the county to pay some adoption assistance, cover their medical insurance and give us a reason to have stated in the AA package that if the boys need residential treatment at some point, the county will be responsible for it. When I pointed out the omission, she said she had no record in the file so it couldn't be included. I didn't sign, but agreed to track down one or more of the MRI reports, neuro reports or developmental reports (that I am not entitled to until the adoption is finalized) so she could include those issues.

Well, there was a court hearing last week. A very routine hearing that should not change anything in the case. I ALWAYS go to court. I was the only one to show. The worker didn't show, the bio parents didn't show. It was just me. The boy's ad litem came out to talk with me and she had a copy of the worker's court report, which she was happy to share with me. You will be shocked (as I was, wink) to know that not only was the medical condition noted, but all the medical reports were ATTACHED to the worker's court report.

I know! What a surprise!

Visits

2011-07-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

We had visits last week with all of the kids bio-moms. The boys mom is very pleasant and for the most part, appropriate. We met at the park and she played with the boys and chatted. She had a good time and they did too.

We met Ella's mom at a different park. It was like two seven year olds meeting and playing together. They took a while to warm up, then ran off to play. After a few minutes, M came running back asking if we could go get frozen yogurt. "Can we please? Please? I really, really want to!" Her helper said not today and she ran back to the playground to slide some more. I can't understand why anyone thinks that she is , on any level, able to live independently. She talked about her program and said she keeps getting in trouble for talking on the phone when she isn't supposed to. She told me she has to have time-outs and she can't get new privileges. She sounded just like a small child who continues to be naughty when she's been given an instruction. The plan is independent living at some point. Ella had fun running around the playground and there were no melt downs or tantrums, so it wasn't painful, just really, really sad.

Where Do You Live?

2011-07-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

Hello out there! Do you live in the Northeast part of the US? In a suburb or (even better) in the country? Would you love to have a child visit you for a couple of weeks? The Fresh Air Fund is looking for families to host inner city kids aged 6-18, for a week or two. You can request an age and gender so it matches up with your kiddos (or doesn't) Go here and take a look at the video and some stories from families that have done it. Let me know if you host, I'd love to hear about it!!

Little Update

2011-07-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

I found out that Ella's birthmom had an abortion. There will be no sibling. I'm struggling on so many levels with this. My overriding emotion is anger. This woman is truly not cognitively capable of making a decision like this. She is very, very upset and is telling everyone that "they" made her do it. I'm not sure who "they" are, but I know that it is not going to make anything better. I'm not sure what will happen to her place at the treatment facility program, as she is no longer pregnant. I suspect that she will, once again, leave the facility and get high, steal a car, turn tricks or get herself into some other unsafe situation and end up back in prison. That is the good scenario.

A Great Read

2011-06-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

If you are fostering or adopting you must read this!! Go now. Tell me what you think.

I'm still here.

2011-05-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while. Between the business of caring for two medically fragile littles and the inability to post anything specific, I haven't had much to say. Lots is happening.

My oldest boy has been diagnosed with two neurological conditions in addition to the FASD we already were dealing with. We are waiting for test to be ordered (probably in the fall) for the younger one.

Both parents were TPRed last month. Neither of them fought for the boys at all. Mom is in agreement with the adoption and dad is in the wind.

Our adoption may (shockingly) finalize before the end of the year. Just a few weeks after we got the diagnosis for my big boy, our notoriously slow worker told me that she was nearly finished with our last bit of paperwork. She is waiting for a certain declaration from the state and we'll be ready to go. She had told me just a month or so earlier that there were 9 families ahead of us and that she would not start our paperwork until the fall at the earliest. When I asked her about it, she said that since it was uncontested and there would not likely be any appeal, she was going to get it out of the way. I know I'm cynical, and that may be true, but I wonder if they are trying to rush because they think we might change our minds once we get the full picture of the neuro work-up. I guess we'll never know.

Ella's Birthmom is pregnant again, we've already been asked if we will take that baby. While I'm leaning toward taking her, I am struggling with all of my boy's issues and I just don't know if I can do it. I've told the placement specialist that I'm open to talking about the baby once she is born. If she doesn't have medical issues, we'll probably take her. I know the hedging sounds horrible, and as much as I value the sibling bond, I really need to put the needs of the children here first. So that's a bit up in the air.

I got a call this week from one of the counselors at the special facility where the birthmom is right now. She was able to get out of the state prison into a special program for pregnant women and new mothers. The counselor wants me to help out by visiting and talking on the phone with her because she has no other support. I agreed to speak on the phone to her, but I have no time to go hang out there. (also not much interest)

We camped with the boys last summer and it was awful. They were little and fussy. None of us slept all week. I swore we would never do it again. We're doing it again. Honey agreed to rent an RV instead of tent camping (the older kids are beside themselves with excitement) and the boys are bigger. They are much more mobile. The older one is walking. It will be totally different this year. Right? Right?

A Moment

2011-02-09T21:50:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but Ella's birthmom was among the free again. She was released from county jail into a dual diagnosis program with close supervision. She is on parole for a felony. It was a good deal. Live in a supervised home, take your meds, go to meetings, see your doctors and don't commit any crimes. She was given a full time "helper" to be certain she was able to do all of the things the court required of her. It lasted a whopping 7 hours. She knew that if she violated she would go back to state prison. She couldn't do it. She is back in state prison. I'm not sure how long this time (2nd adventure) but it will be a while, years I think.

It seems such a waste to me. Such a waste of tax dollars. Such a waste of a young life. She will not be rehabilitated in state prison. If anything she will learn new and different ways to break the law. I don't know what would help, but I know this isn't it. She truly does not have the ability to prevent herself from doing stupid things. She is all about impulse, if she wants a thing, she does whatever it takes to get it. It's not that I don't think there should be consequences, it's that they don't work. She was in state prison for nearly a year and within a month she was back in county jail waiting for sentencing on another felony. She was there 6 months before being released into this program. The threat of prison was looming large over her head and it did nothing to deter her from what she wanted. Not even for a day.

And the crimes are truly, truly stupid. While they are serious crimes, there is no effort on her part to plan well or try to avoid detection or apprehension. She is considered an escape risk and is held in maximum security because one time while she was awaiting a hearing in the courthouse, a deputy left the door to the hallway ajar. She walked out the door, handcuffed and in her jailhouse orange jumpsuit. She walked right up to the deputy guarding the door and asked him to please take the handcuffs off because she needed to get to LA. She was going to audition for Patrick Swayzi and be a movie star. (She saw Patrick in person once and has been sure ever since that he would help her become a famous actress) I. Am. Not. Kidding.

Does it worry anyone else that we are raising an entire generation of non-functioning adults?

Pretty Quiet Here

2011-01-12T22:00:00.000-08:00

I really don't have much to write about foster care right now. Things in our case are pretty stable. We have a court hearing coming up in a couple of months which may or may not go forward. The CW is already giving me excuses about why she may not have her report done in time for the hearing.

While there are many things happening in terms of the boys health issues and special needs, I'm a little reluctant to write anything that will identify us. There was a time when I felt as though there wasn't anyone really paying attention and there was no harm in blogging, but I'm not sure that's true anymore. Our county is really worried about online presence. There have been several reminders sent out about avoiding an online presence of our children. We've been warned specifically about posting any information our photos on Facebook. We've been instructed not to send photos or information about or children via email, even to close friends and relatives. I know of more than one family in our state who have been threatened because of their blog, even if it was anonymous. All that to say, I am being really cautious.

I will continue to post as things come up. I think it is really important for foster carers to know that the crap they are dealing with is the same crap we are all dealing with. It is a broken system and often we bear the brunt of it. I will just be more creative about specifics for now.

Good Bye Twenty Ten

2011-01-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

Although 2010 was a wonderful year in many respects for us, there were things that were very difficult as well. The recession hit our business very hard and we have only begun to recover. We are hoping and planning to ring in 2012 in a very different place than we welcomed 2011 (metaphorically speaking). Papa Warp (aka Honey) is hoping to be semi-retired and working mainly from home. Mama Warp (aka Susan) will be returning to the workforce, mostly from home. With the special needs of our boys, they need more than a full time parent and we need to spell each other so neither of us crashes and burns. We are still homeschooling Ella full time and Peter part time. Things are busy. So everything is being reassessed right now. Every part of our lives are fair game. What to eliminate? What to emphasize? What goals do we share and which are independent of one another? It's really a bit painful but I hope and pray that we will end up in a different lifestyle than we are in now. While we will never (not for a long time anyway) let our foster care license lapse, we may very well decide to go inactive for a while. Maybe a long while.

Overall I am looking forward to the future and what it will bring us, but this part isn't so much fun!

A New Year!

2010-12-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

We met our new worker this week. I point blank asked her how long it would take her to complete her part of the paperwork because everyone I've spoken to that has had this worker has had to wait months (over a year) for her to complete her part of it. She wouldn't give me an answer but she did say she won't even get started until late spring at the earliest. Fabulous!

Oh well. If we happen to finalize by the end of 2011, great. I just won't plan on it. She also hinted broadly that she did not think that the next hearing will go forward. When pressed, she said that she isn't sure she can have a report ready in time. We are more than two months away! OK. I'm getting to practice patience, right?

Joy!

2010-12-24T23:42:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas my dear bloggy friends! May all your holiday dreams come true!

If You Have Tox Pos Babies. . .

2010-12-21T23:36:00.000-08:00

If you care for babies that were prenatally exposed, were premature or have an FASD diagnosis, get them to a pediatric ophthalmologist ASAP! Any one of these is a potential problem and if your kids have more than one of them, they really, really need to be seen.

My little guys have been seen by an optometrist several times for very noticeable eye problems. The older one was prescribed glasses. Our early start therapist strongly recommended that they see a pediatric ophthalmologist so we did. He discovered that the vision issue is actually a neurological issue and that there are endocrine issues as well. All of these would have shown up eventually but quite possibly not until they were causing major problems. We can begin to address them now and avoid some of the problems later on.

Ok Then

2010-12-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

I happened to get a letter in the mail today about ordering glasses through the state insurance plan. My son can't get the glasses he needs from them (luckily we have glass toting friends!) but if he were pregnant and the doctor said it would cause harm to the baby to go glass-less, they would cover them. Thank you so much helpful state insurance!

We did get his glasses and he is super cute in them!

Uh Oh

2010-12-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

I work on the committee for a large foster care event every December. There are lots of CWs and supervisors on the committee with me. Many of them are friends. Today I was told by three of them that this worker was one of the best they have. Now I'm worried.

Newbie

2010-12-15T22:39:00.000-08:00

We finally have a new CW. It only took about 6 weeks. Although the rule in our county is that the kids are visited by a CW once each month, my boys haven't been seen for 2 months. The worker wants to come out the week after Christmas. I was surprised that she planned to be in the office that week as the offices tend to be mysteriously empty during holiday times. She said she wasn't taking vacation time, but she may have to take some days off if anything came up. I'm betting that I won't see her until well into January.

If I take kids out of our county, I have to notify their CW. We live pretty close to the county border so I go out of the county pretty often. I did so recently. I called the CW to let her know that I would be out of the county for a few hours and what we would be doing in the adjacent county. She explained to me that I didn't need permission to do that, but if I did I would need to give her at least 2 weeks notice. I explained to her that I must notify her every time the children cross the county line. She told me she would have to look into it and she would call me back to let me know if we could leave the county. I was in the car heading out at the time. (I went ahead and took the boys) She called me back today (5 days later) to let me know that I could go ahead and take the boys to the adjacent county as long as I notified her. Um. Thanks.

Story to Follow

2010-12-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

My new friend thinks he might like to share his story. We will talk next week.

I'm interested. . .

2010-12-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

I met a young man today that is an adult adoptee. It was a private relinquishment adoption and he was raised in another state by his adoptive family. In January of this year he moved here to live with his birth family. I have a million questions for him. The forum in which I met him was not especially conductive to an extensive interview. I'm thinking that I might contact him and ask him if he would consider sharing his story here. Anyone else interested in hearing it?

I Love It When Something Works!

2010-12-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

The older of my two boys needs glasses. We found out on Friday morning. I spent all day Friday, Saturday and yesterday trying to find a place that would bill the state insurance for them. No dice. I did get info from several other foster parents that it would take 3 months or so to get the glasses once I found somewhere that would bill them. Everyone I spoke to had their first claim denied but then it was paid on appeal. Once they got the glasses they were so crappy (no choices, one pair that is covered) that they broke within a week. You can't order another pair for a year. The glasses we need are about $375. Not fancy glasses folks, just the ones he needs to correct the problem. I've left multiple messages with the supervisor since we have no worker (whole 'nother rant) right now. No return calls. Welcome to my warp!

Yesterday I called the boys therapy coordinator at the early intervention program that they get many of their therapies through. I left her a message asking if she had any ideas for me. Within an hour I got a call from a cheerful woman asking if she could come out and see my big boy today. She might have some ideas. She came. She had glass frames in hand. Perfect frames for a toddler. The exact frames we need. Expensive frames. (I know. I looked for cheaper all weekend) No charge. She had the name of the place to go to get the lenses. Early intervention will pay anything over $100 for the lenses. They should be back in 5 days. I called and we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. The early intervention lady and the glasses lady were very apologetic that I have to drive 20 minutes to the office. Um, 20 minutes and $100 out of pocket. New glasses for my baby. I'll take it.

Visiting

2010-11-29T22:33:00.000-08:00

We have been without a social worker for three weeks now. We are in that limbo between Long Term Services Worker and Adoptive Placement Worker. My boy's file is sitting on some supervisor's inbox just waiting for him/her to get around to assigning it to a worker. I'm not anticipating that happening anytime soon. Last week was a holiday week so no chance there. This week is the week after a holiday week so very little chance here either. It won't surprise me if it doesn't get assigned until after Christmas. I had to drop something off at the main CPS office last week and one of the workers came out to my car to help carry stuff. She called me later and said that since the boys had been in the car and she saw them she would be writing up the visit sheet and no one would come out this month. She wanted to make sure we were going to the holiday party so no one would have to come out in December either, there are always a few workers hanging around there.

So since there is no worker, birth mom has no one to call to set up a visit. Now I know she has blown off every scheduled visit since July, but she wanted one and she had no one to call. I made a few calls but got nowhere (and I have phone and life skills) so I took the kids out to see her over the weekend. Her mother was there as well. Grandma hadn't seen the boys for nine months and they've changed quite a bit since then. Everyone played nicely and it was quite pleasant. Except for one thing.

Birth mom had a bunch of stuff that belonged to the boys that she wanted to give me since they are not coming home. It filled up the back of my van and it was all crap. Clothes that don't fit (and I wouldn't use anyway) toys that have batteries (can't live at my house) licensed character toy box (Hey Disney, you want to pay me to advertise your movie?) old baby food and formula (no thanks) lots of blankets, old diaper bags, four different kinds of bottles and a bunch of trash (really trash, broken toys, torn blankets, packaging from stuff, truly trash). I picked two things for the boys to have out of the mess and got rid of the rest.

She was really happy to think that the boys would have their stuff so I'm happy to make her happy. And the boys will each have something from her. Ella has one thing that her birth mother gave her and she pulls it out every once in a while.

Ella's birth mother has a hearing next week in her criminal case and she is very likely going back to the big prison up north. Although I have in the past visited her while she was in county jail, I have not this time and I don't think I will before they move her again. I just don't have the emotional energy. I have heard that she is expecting again and if I went out there I could tell for sure, but I guess we'll just find out if and when it happens.

So now you are pretty much up to speed.

Annoyed

2010-11-19T11:09:00.000-08:00

I went to my last adoption class this week. It was, um... irritating. The topic was openness in adoption. There were two presenters, a social worker (not a case worker, but a higher up) and a foster and adoptive mother. Who is living in four (yes four) completely closed adoptions. She has no idea where any of her children's birth family are, not parents, not grandparents, not siblings, not anyone. She kept talking about how once her kids started looking for birth family, they would need to go into therapy. Well maybe if they whole birth family thing wasn't a big black hole, they wouldn't need therapy. I'm not opposed to therapy, but maybe it could be avoided if you just deal with the issues and questions as they come up. We watched a little video about how to maintain contact on some level with birth families and she kept making snarky little comments about how that certainly wouldn't work. I was really annoyed by the time it was over.

On the bright side, I'm now officially an adoptive placement of two awesome little boys.

Can't Take Much More. . . .

2010-11-12T22:22:00.000-08:00

Since we've been foster parents for almost eight years and we've already adopted in our county, you'd think it wouldn't be all that hard to get approved to adopt these two boys. Well you'd be wrong. We've turned in over 100 pages of forms, gotten 6 referrals each, plus from all of our grown kids, had TB tests, been fingerprinted yet again, had physicals and gotten a letter of clear health form our doctor and Ella's doctor, had three interviews (so far) with the adoption approval goddess and each taken three additional classes specific to adoption. Can we be done now? I hope so. I found out today that every time you adopt, you have to start your home study over again unless you have another child already in your home at the time your adoption finalizes that has been identified as an adoptive placement. In that case the county will leave your home study open for the next child. That seems less than efficient, but perhaps it's job security?

Bad Blogger! (but I have news)

2010-11-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

I am totally lame. I know it. Two very little boys with very big needs are sucking up all of my time and energy. I am happy if I can pee without a child on my lap (TMI, I know) and showers and food are a distant memory. Sorry.

This week the boys birth mother legally gave up all rights to her boys. She finally (FINALLY) had a conversation with someone that helped her see that she is not able to care for herself and she is not going to be able to care for her children in the foreseeable future. While I am thrilled to have this chapter of the case over with, it was really painful to watch her in court as they read the record. She has voluntarily given up reunification, yet they must read all the "...return home would cause substantive damage to the children's safety and or well being..." into the record and it was awful to hear and to watch her hurting. We will maintain an open relationship with her as will the caregivers of her other children which is probably the best that could happen in this situation. The kids weren't going home and she isn't able to benefit from the many, many, many supports that were put in place to help her. Dragging this out for another year will not change anything and the false hope BS was torturing her and everyone else involved. There will be one more hearing and the case will leave dependency and go to family court. In our county the preparation for that hearing and the preparation for permanency can happen simultaneously so we have already been in contact with the adoptions workers and have nearly all of our hoops jumped through so we can finalize just as soon as the dependency case closes early next spring.

I will try to post more frequently but no promises.

La Vida Loca

2010-10-06T18:50:00.001-07:00

I got a call from Ella's birth mother today. Actually I got several calls from her. She must get out of jail NOW, today or sooner. If she doesn't get out of jail today she will never be able to get into a treatment program (Does she think I believe this stuff?) so I really, really must lend her the money to post bail. When that didn't work, she threatened to take me back to court because she is supposed to she able to see Ella twice each year and she hasn't had a visit in nearly two years. She is going to tell the judge on me. I sort of hope she does, just to hear her say "Your honor she wouldn't pay $2500 and put up her house so I could get out of jail to have my visit." I'm sure the judge would see her point, don't you think?

Gotta love it.

2010-09-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

I spent the entire morning (8-12:30) plus an hour drive time in the morning and 1/2 hour in the afternoon at the developmental clinic today. By the time we collected Ella and got home we were all exhausted. I got nutrition into everyone and settled the boys for a nap. Ella went into her room with a book and as I started to tackle the lunch dishes I got a call from the boys CW. "I'm in your neighborhood, can I stop by?" (not said: I have only two days left of the month and I must see the children) Um, sure. I'd love nothing more than to wake the boys and chat with you while they fuss because they haven't had a nap all day, come on over. Then I went in to check on them to, you know, work up to waking them, and my little one had pooped a huge, blow out poop. It was all over his legs and the sheets and the blanket and e-e-e-w-w! He was sound asleep. I woke him to clean him up sort of frantically since the worker was on her way and our neighborhood isn't that big. I got him clean, put him on the playmat, pulled the sheet, blanket, teddy off the bed and got everything out to the wash just as the doorbell rang. The the big boy woke up and screamed. Yep. Gotta love it.

I Almost Forgot!

2010-09-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

I saw a picture of Ella's half sister. She is about a year older than Ella. Her family is (crazy? rude? psycho? bizarre?) . . um . . . interesting. I have wanted to get a picture of her but it hasn't been an option, now thanks to the magic of online photos, I saw one. I found it a little bit funny that her family has questioned whether Ella is really the child of her birth father when she looks just like him and his sisters and her cousins and the sister looks nothing like any of them. Her coloring is completely different, her features are not his at all. I haven't showed it to Ella yet, I'm not sure just how to handle that.

So Much Happening

2010-09-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

There is so much happening in the boys case right now and I want to tell you all about it. Much of it is weird and specific so I can't really say much, but I'll try.

The county asked for a special hearing to modify the format of birth mom's visits in order to keep the boys safe. The new format will definitely impair mom's ability to connect with them, but mom was willing to go along with it. Until we walked into the courtroom and the boy's GAL said she was opposed to ANY CONTACT at all. She feels like the risk is too high and she is asking the court to order all visits stopped immediately. The whole thing will have to decided on another day since everyone was shocked and unprepared. I think it is all a waste of time, money and energy because birth mom has not seen nor asked to see them in more than a month. I did get to meet birth grandmother while we were in court and as you might expect, she has her hands full dealing with birth mom and wants no part of the children.

I got the notice last week that the county will officially ask for a TPR. I have such mixed feelings about it. There is no way mom can parent with the support she has in place now (almost nothing) or even with additional support. Unless it was a capable person parenting both mom and her children, then maybe. But this is another case that I feel if she had appropriate counseling, she may be able to decide to relinquish the boys and have some ownership and control of the situation. I think she could be helped to feel OK about the whole thing. That isn't going to happen, she is going to crawl away from this wondering why the county took her kids away. I believe that she truly doesn't understand what is being asked of her or how to comply. The selfish side of me is over the moon that we may finalize our adoption of these two beautiful boys within a year.

We are finally getting services in place for them both. Our local early intervention team will come out next week to set up a specific plan with goals and therapies and everything! Woohoo! The therapy itself will start the following week. We met with a physical therapist with whom they will get additional PT to help with muscle tone and symmetry and that will start in two weeks. Double Woohoo!

In spite of the delays and issues, they are both doing really, really well. Every day brings new skills and excitement. The older one is really becoming mobile, he managed to get out the front door (just onto the doormat) himself this week and he was thrilled! (we now have the gate up if the front door is open) The little one is trying to hold his own bottle. They are super fun to watch, they wrestle and tug-o-war over their favorite toys. Even if there are forty toys on the playroom floor, they will both have hold of the same one, pulling it with all their might.

Ella's birth mom is back in jail. (maybe I said that already) She had a hearing last week and while her attorney was asking for her to be placed in yet another treatment facility she announced that she didn't want to go there and that she would just run away, pretty much assuring herself another stint in state prison. A much longer one than last time, years instead of months. The judge graciously allowed a continuance for the attorney to help her understand what she is doing. No confirmation on the alleged pregnancy, we shall see.

O.K. that is much of what is filling my days and of course laundry.

Just a Little Whining

2010-09-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a little irritated (what else is new?) with the boys birth mom. I'm wondering if I'm allowing things to get to me more because these are my boys now. She blows in and out as she pleases (I truly don't think she is capable of anything else) and calls me to set up visits , which she then cancels or no-shows for and then disappears again. One of the boys had some major health issues going on last week. The CW (finally got a new one) called her to set up her monthly visit and told her about some of the things that had happened. Mom gets all bent out of shape because I should have called her so she could be involved. I never call her about anything. If she wants to know how the boys are, she can call me. I especially wouldn't have called her so she could show up in the middle of a medical crisis and throw a drama fit. Or even just call me and have a fit on the phone. If she had happened to call I wouldn't have hidden it from her but my energies were needed elsewhere, you know, dealing with a very, very sick baby. Apparently she isn't speaking to me now. (according to the CW) Am I supposed to be hurt? Upset? Whatever.

I suppose I need to bloggy name these boys since they will be sticking around for a while, you know 18-20 years or so. Any suggestions?

A Bit of News

2010-09-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

I got a call today from a different department of the county than I usually deal with. She was asking me all sorts of questions about the boys medical needs. It took me a while but I figured out that she is the worker who will assess the boys for adoption. She is doing the family check, she will be certain that they are not Native American and she will determine the AAP benefits for the boys once they are adopted. She inadvertently told me that the case would cut out at the next hearing and that the boys will be legally free right around the first of the year.

I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell you that we plan to adopt these boys. Congratulations to us!

More Nonsense.

2010-08-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I posted it but the supervisor on the boys case decided against early cut-out. There will be a hearing before the holidays (if there are no delays) and a determination will be made at that time. This irritates me because it just delays the inevitable and drags out the pain for all involved.

After pitching a fit about not getting visits while she was in the wind and then in jail, I've been driving to the far reaches of our county to do visits with mom. Cause there's no transport or monitors available. Except this week she no-showed. She called me to say she would need to set something up later in the week because it turned out that she scheduled at a time that she couldn't come. Don't think so. (I know I'm mean and rotten, you don't have to tell me) I told her we could try again next week and did she need to change the day or time? She says no. I won't be driving anywhere until I get a call 1/2 hour before the scheduled time. I only give one no-show, then you can just wait for me to get there. (again, I know I'm mean, do not send me hate mail)

You've Got to be Kidding!

2010-08-23T22:17:00.001-07:00

After three months of making calls, waiting on hold, waiting for return calls that never come, we finally got into the system that will allow my boys to get early intervention/therapy! Woohoo! I spoke with their CW multiple times throughout the week last week in order to be certain that documents were received, consents were signed and referrals were made. We are also in the middle of getting visitation set back up for birth mom as she is now in contact again. This also requires effort on the CW's part. On Friday we spoke no fewer than four times. This morning I got a call from the service coordinator wanting to know who she needed to call to get the consents and referrals faxed to her. I gave her CW's name and number, a little puzzled because I thought she had already been in contact with her.

"Oh. Are you unaware that she is no longer with the agency?" says service coordinator.

"Huh?" says me. "Of course she is, I spoke with her all day on Friday checking up on this stuff."

"Her voicemail says that Friday is her last day with the agency, it refers you to the supervisor who is on vacation this week."

"&^$%@*^#$%@^%*" says me, but not out loud.

Since nothing was faxed before she left, nothing will be faxed until a new CW is assigned. That means I will be doing visits for the next month and I don't know how long it will take to get the services in place. The service coordinator is taking the next three weeks off so she suggested that she might push through without the agency paperwork, but she isn't sure she can. I was not a happy mama today.

Birth mom is now camping out (so to speak) in a different region than we're in. I think the whole case may get kicked out there since they have to assign a new worker anyway. What a mess.

A Little Update

2010-08-18T22:16:00.001-07:00

We are still here. Two little ones are kicking my behind! I have no time for anything.

We finally got in to see a medical specialist that we have been waiting to see. It was a bad news/good news visit. Bad news: Both boys received diagnoses that are of lifelong impact. We don't know and won't know for some time how severely either of them is affected. Both may need surgery in the next several months, both need to see other specialists now. Good news: Because we have a diagnosis the boys now qualify for services that I have been fighting to get them since they arrived. There is no money in our county anymore for kids at-risk, you must have either severe deficits or a diagnosis. I'll take it.

The boys mom was in the wind for a few weeks but resurfaced this week so we did a visit. She behaved herself. One of the boys cried when she picked him up so she wouldn't go near him after that. She held the younger one and played with him the whole time. No regular visits are scheduled now, but I told her I would meet her next week again. If she is able to be found for a couple of weeks the county will set up regular visits again.

Ella's birth mother is back in jail with some pretty serious charges, she may be going back to the state prison up north for another extended stay. I've gotten several calls from bail bonds men wondering if i would like to bail her out. Um, that would be no.

I saw my twins last week (after four months!) and they are doing well. They've grown a lot and are cute as ever. Mom is working her program and going to meetings. It was nice to see them.

That's all I've got. I'm going to bed.

Nothing Much Happening.

2010-08-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

Lots happening but not much in the foster care world for me. The boys mother is in the wind. She has called me a couple of times and says she really misses the boys and wants to see them, but she hasn't called the CW to set up visits. She has told me several places that she is "living" that are much better than the residential treatment place but she only lasts a few days. The latest is that she will wait 30 days and go back to the RTF. We've heard rumors that dad is planning to sign relinquishment (I think he got a bill for child support) but it hasn't happened. Although he is entitled to reunification services, he has not requested any or shown for any court hearing. He is living in another state, but he could get his services there. The older children do not want to see or speak to mom which is understandably upsetting to her. They are old enough that the court will not force them to do visits.

I've heard that Ella's bio mom is pregnant, but I've heard that lots of times and do far there are no younger sibs. If she were to give birth, I'm not sure we could take the new baby. I will still have 2 under 2 in eight months from now and I don't know if I could get a waiver given the medical needs of the two I have. Whatever, cross that bridge when we come to it!

Sad Ending?

2010-07-08T22:31:00.001-07:00

The boys mom blew out of the treatment facility earlier this week. She cancelled a few visits so I should have known something was up. She has violated probation so it's likely she will be back in lock up.

I'm going to reveal my evil side here and say that I'm relieved. I know that sounds really bad, but hear me out. The appearance of her doing well was artificial. She had no ownership of her recovery, she was taking no responsibility for meeting any of her case plan goals. Well, she was claiming full responsibility, but meeting none of them through her own efforts. She has been carried every step of the way to every single goal she's met so far. Someone has told her what and when to eat, sleep, shower, go to a meeting, go to a counselor, take her meds. The children have been delivered to her, she has been delivered to every meeting, court appearance, therapy session, you name it. As I've said before, she is so damaged that it is not likely she will ever be able to care for herself, much less any of her children. All of this "help" was just prolonging the inevitable, torturous end. When I spoke to the worker she indicated that she is now going to ask for a cut out to terminate services. And, evil as I am, I am relived. let's move on and let these kids have a life.

Interesting Changes

2010-07-03T23:39:00.000-07:00

Our county has made a big change recently. The whole legal section (attorneys, GALs, court investigators, etc) has been contracted out to a private legal group. This has always been just another dept. of the agency. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. Right now it's a big mess. Every employee of that section was laid off and has either been hired by the private group or not. If they were working with birth parents before and were hired, they may be working with children or representing the agency. This is causing legal conflicts and continuances. If you call the number of the GAL that your kids have, no one ever returns your call (I suppose things haven't changed that much) So right now things haven't improved and the transition is taking a while (much longer than we were initially told) but maybe it's a good move. I guess we'll see. In addition to this cost saving move some of the service coordinators that the agency contracts with are being eliminated. So instead of a service coordinator making certain mom gets her drug screens and finding her a program or housing, the workers will have to do it now. I know this can't be a good thing.

Photo Friday!

2010-07-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

We got to spend some time with Lily recently. The girls miss one another so much! It had been about eight months since they had seen each other. It is amazing to me that they pick right up every time as though they had not been apart at all. (New to my blog? Lily lived with us for a couple of years before she went home to her adoptive family. They moved away shortly after they legally became a family)

I'm Not Very Good at Clarity.

2010-06-25T19:30:00.001-07:00

OK. I see the point some of you are trying to make about some people making money. Certainly there are people who make their living working in the system. There are professionals and para-professionals that are contracted by the state to provide services both to children and parents within dependency.

The whole conspiracy theory stuff just doesn't make sense to me. At least not in my state. Foster care providers are reimbursed at one of the lowest rates in the county. Getting services for kids that need them is extremely difficult because the county pays so little. Yes there are some services available through state health insurance, but these kids would receive those benefits even if they were living with their birth families. If, that is, the birth family sought medical attention. I just don't buy the idea that the county or state is "kidnapping" children to sell them. Who is the big profiteer in this? Who is the evil mastermind? Who is paying these big bucks for the kidnapped children? Yes lots of people have jobs that are supported by the system, but the vast majority of them are fully employable in another area of their fields. If the system worked itself out of business, those people would find other means of income. Most of the professionals that contract with our county have many more clients outside the system because what the county pays isn't enough to live off of exclusively.

I think the whole bureaucracy is overgrown and self sustaining at this point. I think it needs a major revamp. Maybe even to be scratched and started over. I think it sucks. I think if churches and other faith based or civic minded organizations stepped up to the plate and assumed care for some of the children in their neighborhood "the system" could shut down. I've read that if every mainstream church in America took responsibility for one child in out of home care that there would be no need for a dependency system.

But I think it's what we've got and if I can make a difference for a child or two here and there, it's worth the crap we take and the money we spend to care for them.

Let Me Be Clear.

2010-06-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

Wow! Lots of interesting comments on that last post. I'm afraid though, that I didn't clearly communicate the situation.

No one is deliberately trying to sabotage mom's efforts. No one is standing around the water cooler laughing about what they are "making her do." If anything she is getting more support and more services than the average birth parent. She is getting room, board and daily counseling paid for by CPS. She has parenting classes, job training and job interview skills coaching. She is taking shopping and cooking classes as well as being presented with life skills. Someone makes certain that she gets to each of her classes. The boys are brought to her for visits so she doesn't have to go anywhere. If she has appointments or court, someone picks her up so she can get there. This mother is getting a ton of support. Unfortunately the boys I have as well as her older children have ongoing medical and neurological issues as a result of the many drugs she ingested during each of her pregnancies. Their needs are far beyond her ability to provide care. She has done irreparable damage to herself, she is barely able to function, much less take care of herself or anyone else.

Every day that she continues to accept CPS services is a day that she is not on the streets. It is one more day that she is not hooking or being used as someone's punching bag. It is another day that she is getting three meals and a shower. Perhaps she will learn a few skills that will help her to take better care of herself when she walks away from it. It is possible that the incredible amount of money being spent on this woman will allow her to make some changes in her life. But no amount of money will change her into a parent.

While baby selling is definitely practiced in our county as in the rest of the country, it is not through CPS or any other county agency. No one is making any money on this case. Between the services for mom and the medical care and therapies every one of her kids are receiving and will continue to receive for many years, the state and county will be paying for this family for a very long time.

I'm always curious when I get comments about a county "selling babies" or children, how is it that you think someone is making money on kids in dependency? I'm not being flippant, I just really don't understand how anyone thinks this is a money-making venture.

I Don't Understand, or Maybe I do.

2010-06-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

The little boys that I have right now are doing well and settling in very nicely. They are happy and healthy and secure and really beginning to attach. Good things all. They are visiting with their birth mom pretty liberally, although supervised. She seems to be making progress as well. Unfortunately her situation is such that she is not going to get her boys back. There is too much unhealthiness in her life. Even if she maintains her sobriety, she has way too much other bad stuff and not enough of anything good to parent anyone. I know this. The worker knows this. The judge knows this, as do the attorneys. I'm pretty sure everyone involved in this case knows it, except for mom. Everyone talks about it, but not to her. No one has told her and no one will tell her. Why not? Why not just tell it like it is and allow her to maintain some control over the situation? Why not allow her to relinquish and make some choices about where her boys end up? She could ask for post adoption contact agreement so she could have continued contact. Why let her believe that she is working toward reunification when everyone is just going through the motions? Once they terminate the adoptive family will be advised not to maintain contact. They almost alway advise it in our county regardless of the birth family situation. We have been told repeatedly that contact with Ella's family is not appropriate (and she did ultimately relinquish)

If I admit it, I know why it is this way. It's to protect the county from lawsuits.

Another Change

2010-06-17T17:46:00.001-07:00

Tom and Steve have started having visits not-supervised-by-me. This is a good thing and a not so good thing. While they were gone for 2 hours, I took the older kids to a fun place to run around. I sat with my yarn and they got wet and tired. That was the good part. The less than good part is that the boys could not be put down once they got home. Not. For. A. Minute. Birth mom had not fed one at all but given the other one way too much food, so he had puked all over. So baths immediately, then a couple of hours of blankies, stories, snuggles and finally falling asleep, but not in their beds, in arms.

I'm not sure if this is just about adjustment or if it is something else.

New Worker

2010-06-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

I called the boy's CW today to follow up on something I was supposed to have heard about last week. He is apparently out on extended medical leave so I called the super. Guess what? A new worker has been assigned! Yep. I have had these boys for less than two months and I've had three workers. Unfortunately I've worked with this gem before, not the worst ever, but probably the second worse. As is typical for me, I was not gracious when the super told me who the new worker was. Profanity may have slipped out a tiny bit. So in less than an hour I got a call from the gem and I was on speaker phone in the super's office. I had pulled it together by then and was very gracious. Less than an hour after that the issue I had first called about was resolved. Perhaps my big mouth actually helped this time.

A Matter of Time.

2010-06-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

We heard that Ella's mom is not only avoiding the RTC but engaging in risky business. We're thinking it will probably only be a few more days until she is back on her way to the other end of the state, where they've apparently left the light on for her.

I also haven't heard from the boy's (I'm thinking Steve and Tom) mother since I saw her last week. Her pattern has been to call at the same time every day, so I'm beginning to wonder if she has moved as well. Perhaps she's just lost her phone privileges.

More News

2010-06-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

I found out this morning that Ella's birthmom has returned from her 6-12 month vacation. She is supposed to be in a residential treatment facility. She has apparently failed to check in at this point so she may be returning to her home away from home very soon. We did have a nice visit with grandparents a while ago. They were appropriate and attentive (first time ever) so perhaps they are starting to get it. Ella enjoyed the visit and had been painting pictures for them.

My boys' mom is in a residential treatment facility (it may end up that both of my bio-moms are in the same facility) for the time being. She told me that she had nearly been kicked out several times last week over minor things that weren't her fault. I'm thinking that it's just a matter of time. I'm pretty sure she will get kicked out over something that someone else did or that is someone else's fault though. She is apparently a perfect angel but people keep picking on her.

Still No Real News

2010-06-08T22:19:00.001-07:00

There are so many things happening in our little spacewarp right now, so very many unusual and identifying things. I want to share because I think other fosterers could learn, but I'm not ready to just yet. Well not everything, but I'll tell you about this:

The boys we have right now have had a lot of health issues. They both have reflux, excema, athsma, recurrent ear infections, constant runny noses, puffy red eyes, constipation, um. . . that may be it. So the medi-quack that was seeing them was treating all of the symptoms as though they were unrelated. They have been on antacids, inhalers, antihistamines, antibiotics, eye drops, ear drops, laxatives and steroid cream. My amazing doc suggested that we take them off of dairy for a month. Guess what? Less than a week later nearly all symptoms are gone. They have not had any meds at all for the last two days. There is still a little bit of congestion/runny nose but it is nearly gone. A friend who saw them the same day we went to the doc and then again yesterday couldn't believe how different they look. The lesson here? Think outside the Rx pad.

We continue to move forward with our adoptive home study. We met with the adoptions worker. She and I hit it off and spent the whole hour talking about Piaget and education, special needs and brain development and stuff. At the end we were talking about great books and she really didn't ask us any of the questions we had been told to expect. We have yet another packet of paperwork to complete. We need to take two more classes. We got fingerprinted and TB tested again. I've made medical appointments for both of us as well as Ella. I'm sure there is more yet, but it's all I can get my brain around at this point.

I'll try to think up clever ways to share more about what is happening without giving up my anonymity.

News!

2010-05-19T23:32:00.001-07:00

I have been a very lazy blogger lately. Some stuff has been happening but I haven't had the emotional energy to put it all into words. We've taken another sib group placement, well technically we will officially take the placement next week, but we already have the kids.

We are in process of updating our license to be an adoptive homestudy in order to be considered for an adoptive placement. After long thought and much prayer, we have realized that to really offer kids what they need we must be open to caring for them forever. Foster care is changing fast around here, in some good ways and some not great ways, but it is making it very difficult for us to impact kids in a meaningful and lasting way. The county can undo any stability we have instilled on a whim. And we are feeling that God is ready to grow our family again, so here goes!

End in Sight!

2010-05-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

The little respite boys went home today but they will be back here next week. As is often he case with respite, I got very little information about what was going on when the boys came here. I learned a bit more when they were picked up. The fostering family is moving to another state and the mom of that family has developed some medical issues. The few days the boys were with me gave her some rest and a chance to put some things in order for their upcoming move.

I am happy to take them again next week for another five days.

I am working through the mountain of laundry that grew while they were here!

Respite

2010-05-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

We are doing respite for a sib group of boys. They are little and oh so cute! It was supposed to be just one or two nights but we've had them for five nights now with no real end in sight. It is feeling reminiscent of Ella's start here (she came for one week of respite but her grandparents never came back) so that is a bit worrisome. I'm pretty sure they are coming back . . . really! I'm sure they are. Anyway they are cute.

Not Much Happening

2010-04-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

Things are pretty quiet here. I am doing some training and other stuff I need to do for my license. I'm coordinating some homeschool events and working at the learning center so I'm filling my days.

I have spoken to the boys mom a couple of times and they are all doing well. She is working her program and lovin' on her babies, good things all. I got a call from one of the CWs that I have been working with and she told me I was the best foster parent she had ever worked with. Nice to hear. ('course she needed something so it could be just so much sunshine, but nice to hear still) We have our annual inspection in a couple of weeks and we are changing the status of our license (thus all the work on that front) so I'll keep you updated on that as we go. Happy Sunday!

Photo Friday

2010-04-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

I remembered! This little snugglepuss is snuggling with his mama now. She seems to be doing really well. She is building a support system and a new life for herself. I'm really, really proud of her. I hope she can sustain it all.

Things are achangin' again around Chez Warp and it looks as though there are more children in our future (yes that would be children, not babies) but not right away. We will ride out the trial period for the twins before we open up to placements again.

Still Alive.

2010-04-09T00:21:00.001-07:00

Second round of antibiotics and I am starting to feel better. So far no yeast infection.

The babies are on a long visit, They will be back for just a couple of days and then they go home. I really want Mom to do well and stay sober and raise her boys, but part of me is skeptical. I will keep my vacancies open for a couple of months just in case they need to return. Mom and I have spoken already about me doing some child care for her, so perhaps I will continue to have some contact. So we shall see.

Right now I'm feeling like I may not want to take another newborn, maybe I'm ready for a little bit older child, younger than Ella but older than infant. I'm not sure, most of the toddlers that have come to us as toddlers have been, um, a bit on the wild side. I have a while to think about it, I may get that baby urge again and want another newborn. There really is nothing like that sweet new baby in my arms.

Bleh.

2010-04-01T21:51:00.001-07:00

The babies are home again for a few days. Little Man is sick as he always is when he returns. This time, however, I am right there with him. I jinxed myself last week telling a not-seen-in-a-long-while friend that I had made it through several winters now without pneumonia. (for a while I got it every time I got a cold) So I went to see a doctor this week (if you know me you can pick yourself up off the floor now) and guess what? I've got pneumonia. Good timed, good times. So I'm taking antibiotics and next week I'll be taking yeast infection meds. Just cause I know how to have a good time, I really do.

Another Good-Bye.

2010-03-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

The babies are on a long visit in preparation for their return home. I have been sorting and preparing to pack them up. This is very emotional for me, always. What to keep, what to send? The cute monkey sweaters? NO! Maybe. OK they go, I have a picture of the boys wearing them. While it is very different than having your kids grow up and wanting to hold onto something that reminds you, in many ways it is the same. There is also the component of what to hold onto that you might use again for another baby (and what is so definitely theirs that no other baby could ever wear/play with it). Of course I'm not talking about the part where my heart is breaking to let them go.

Internal Struggle

2010-03-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

I have adoption issues. I have big ethical issues with The Adoption Industry in the U.S. I don't think that anyone should profit from a mother's loss or a mother's gain, if you like that better. Either way it is a financial transaction that results in profit for the agents involved. Many agencies adjust the cost depending upon a child's race or health. I really have issues with that. But tonight I'm struggling with international adoption.

Two friends of mine have been waiting to be matched for adoptions in different countries. Both countries where infants are thrown away by society there. They are abandoned by parents unable to care for them because of poverty or illness or because there are laws limiting the number of children they are permitted. At best, these are issues in which the respective governments are negligent and at worst they are the perpetrators of the abandonments. I know there are countries where exploitation of young women results in adoptions, but that isn't the case (that is a whole 'nother rant) here.

I take issue with the fact that these governments will extort money from people who would like to help these children. An acquaintance of mine is in one of these countries right now. She said today that there were 20-30 babies in the "Baby Room" at the orphanage but she was told that only 3-4 of them would be allowed to be adopted, the others would probably die. They don't recommend the babies that they don't think will make it. If they aren't pretty hardy, they don't give them much care and they don't "market" them. I've heard similar stories about other countries with "throw-away" babies. Most die, some are adopted internationally.

So my issue? Could more children be saved if people like me didn't take issue with essentially buying a baby? Do we encourage the system that allows officials to be bribed and babies to be sold? Or do we stand firm on principle while babies die? If countries with an abundance of babies who are failing to thrive were inundated with requests, would more babies be saved? Would they try harder? I suppose this has already been tried in China and they are restricting more and more how they allow adoptions to take place. I don't have any answers but my heart is just broken tonight for those babies and children that have no hope and no future.

Court

2010-03-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

We had a court hearing this week. The boy's mom is doing really well and everyone told her so. It was nice. The boys will begin overnights again next week and we will begin to transition them home. The plan is for them to be there within about a month. In our county kids almost always go home on a trial basis and this case will happen like that. It can be 30, 60 or 90 days. During that time the county is supposed to closely monitor the situation at home and be ready to intervene if need be. So we are beginning to prepare for good-bye.

Birthday (sort of)

2010-03-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

The boys had a birthday this week, a month birthday. This one has hit me a little hard. When Ella was the same age she began to crawl instead of creep. The boys are not yet creeping and only rolling with great effort. Ella was able to get herself into a sitting position and then back to her tummy effortlessly. The boys are not yet sitting, little man really doesn't even have muscle control or tone to hold himself in a sitting position with assistance (unless he is leaning against you or something else) They have no ability to self-soothe. As a rule I don't compare the kids but when we talked about how old they were I realized just how many delays they are experiencing. And Big Boy got a tooth today!

How I Really Feel.

2010-03-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

As a foster parent my job is to facilitate reunification, either with birth parents or with another relative. And I believe that children should be with their birth family if it is at all possible. I believe the mantra that we all chant: "Adequate care by a birth parent is preferable to optimal care by someone else." And the boys mother is working her case plan. She is meeting (and even a little bit exceeding) the standards she has been given. I like her and I want her to do well. I know she loves her babies.

But if I am honest with myself, in my heart of hearts, I want these boys to stay right here where they are. I know well what their needs are and I know a bit of what lies ahead for them. They both have medical and developmental issues. They need and will continue to need a strong advocate in order to get services that will benefit them. They may need private therapy at some point, therapy that their state funded insurance won't cover, but we could. They fit so well into our family. I can see them growing up here. I have (secretly) begun to think about names for them, should it turn out that they stick around (sorry, but their birth names are ridiculous) and in my mind, I've rearranged the bedrooms so they can have the perfect little boy room when they are ready. I've picked colors and bedding a hundred times. Mom is already making decisions that I don't think are in the boys best interest. She is in denial about what her drug use cost them. There is a teeny, tiny part of me that wants her to just fall off the radar.

I can not allow my fantasy to color the case. I must give mom all the support she needs from me. Reality is that even if mom did fly into the wind, there are other family members who might come forward. So I harbor my little dream and o-o-h-h and a-a-h-h over the Pottery Barn catalog. Then I pack it up and suck it up and tell mom what a good job she is doing and how proud I am of her and help her with her safety plan so she can get her boys back.

Real life as a foster parent.

It's Official

2010-03-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

While the goal of the case is still reunification, the case plan has changed to maintaining the current placement. The boys will not be transitioned at this time.

No News

2010-03-01T21:53:00.000-08:00

I know I'm hardly posting at all. There is so much going on, but really, things never change. While most cases I've had are SSDD* this one has some issues that are fairly unique so I'm reluctant to post too specifically about them. The babies are supposed to be returning to mom, but a couple of targets have been missed and I don't have much confidence that the next one, a couple of weeks from now, will be hit either. Mom is working her plan and doing what she has been asked, but it is becoming more and more apparent that the boys medical needs may be more than mom can deal with. I do still think that the boys will go home unless mom goes MIA but I don't think it is going to be super quick.

Ella's birthmom has tried repeatedly to call me collect from the State prison, but unfortunately my phone doesn't accept collect calls. (particularly when I hang up on the recording) I've been trying to send her a note or card about once a week or so, but I'm not sure it makes any difference. She is apparently trying to persuade her parents to hire an attorney to renegotiate the plea agreement. She only has a couple of months left and she has asked them to set up a visit with Ella as soon as she is home. She cycles through perseverating on the post adoption agreement that allows her to see Ella periodically. The part she doesn't dwell on is the part that says "as long as it is in Ella's best interest." Since that's the part I feel most strongly about, we will be waiting for her to have a few months of stability under her belt before I will discuss a visit.

*Same sh__, different day.

Update

2010-02-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

The boys will start to do visits again this week. The public health nurse is supposed to go out and give mom some training. I hope it's worthwhile. Most of the PHNs I've worked with know less than I do about basic child care. The only thing they are really concerned with is checking on the vaccines.

I got a note from the court about the upcoming meeting and the plan has officially changed to reunification. I am really worried about mom being able to provide adequate care, but I can't do anything about that.

Just a Suspicion

2010-02-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to figure out what is going on with this case. We were one week from return when the boys got sick. For reasons unknown to me mom was not required? able? willing? to care for the boys while they were sick. I was asked to pick them up and get medical attention, which I did. Mom has not seen them since I picked them up. The CW avoided my calls for four days last week and when I reached her she tried to get off the phone without telling me anything. Even what I was able to wheedle out of her was basically non-information. I offered to meet mom for a short supervised visit since she hasn't seen her kids in over a week. CW doesn't know when they might start doing visits again, said she would call me back and never did. I know mom is still in rehab and, I believe, still clean.

I don't really have a clue what's going on but I have a suspicion. The worker is very young. She has not been with the county very long, I'm not sure she's been out of high school very long. I think this may be her first reunification case. This mom presents very well and is doing everything right. The CW has been steamrolling the boys back to her as fast as she can manage. She's told me more than once that she wants them home before the six month mark. When I brought up the health issues at the planning meeting, they were dismissed. Mom and the worker assured me that she would be careful and that she understood the issues. I knew she didn't (neither of them did) but whatever, I'm not in charge. And then the boys got sick. Very. Very. Sick. And I think the worker got scared. I think she freaked out. I think she realized that one or both of these babies could have died, on her watch. I think she doesn't even know what to do now. She doesn't want them back with mom, but it is her job to reunify and she is stuck there between a rock and a hard place. I don't see how the boys will be back with mom by the six month mark at this point and I think it is really hard on mom because she is doing everything they ask her to do. I suspect that visit will start back at square one, with day visits and then one overnight, then two and so on.

I am OK with things slowing down, I felt like they were going too fast anyway. Mom will graduate from her rehab place in just a few weeks and I don't think it's a bad thing for her to be out in the world for a bit before the boys come back to her. She used for years and she's been clean for a few months. I hope she can keep it together but I'd rather find out she can't while the boys are still here rather than while she has them.

Is It Just Me?

2010-02-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

I got a call from bio grandma today, but it was not what I expected. Since the boys are so sick, I thought she was calling to find out how they were doing. Nope.

She usually transports them to and from visits. They often go back and forth on Saturdays. She wanted to know why no one had called her to let her know what was going on with transport this week since the boys weren't where they were "supposed to be." I explained that in light of the serious nature of the illness, the boys were staying here for the time being. She let me know that I should have let her know that she could have her Saturday back since she has other things to do.

She never even asked how the boys were. Seriously, is it just me or is there something wrong with this picture?

Not So Fast

2010-02-04T16:51:00.000-08:00

The CW told me today that perhaps things were moving too quickly. Perhaps mom isn't quite ready for full time yet.

Not the Day I Planned

2010-02-03T21:28:00.001-08:00

I had big plans today. They involved cleaning some of my bathrooms and doing all the laundry piled in front of my washer. The boys were on a visit all week and I was going to use my time well and catch up on a bunch of stuff this week. Yesterday went really well. I got a lot done. Today started well. Then the CW called me to tell me that the boys were sick.

I have their state medical insurance cards (as I am supposed to have until they officially go home) so I offered to meet mom at her doctor or at the urgent care office, or whatever she thought she should do. That didn't happen. Instead I went and picked up the boys, took them to my doc, then spent a couple of hours on a scavenger hunt trying to find a breathing machine because they both are having a hard time breathing. A really, really hard time. They had received one treatment at the office, but needed a second in 4 hours. It was after 5pm so there was no way to get an authorization from the insurance office for said equipment. Also the dosage of medicine that an infant needs is not the dosage most pharmacies stock. Fabulous. Honey drove all over the county and found (just in time) the meds and the machine.

The boys are much better now and are here sleeping. I didn't have lunch, Ella spent the entire day in the car as we were driving from one end of the county to the other and back to the middle where we live. We were at the doctors office for a couple of hours while they got their treatment. We drove home in rush hour traffic. I have a pounding headache because I couldn't help but get a second-hand dose of the medicine as the babies got theirs sitting on my lap. I did not accomplish a single thing I had planned to today. We ended up grabbing take away food in spite of the meal-to-be-made in my refrigerator because it was just so late by the time we got home. I have no problem doing any of these things for my babies just as I would have no problem doing them for my own children, but why was it me doing this today? If mom is one week from return, why isn't she getting them medical attention? If she isn't able to deal with an illness, how does anyone think she will provide adequate care to these boys?

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow but I am feeling less enthusiastic about mom's ability to care for these boys than I did 24 hours ago.

Reality Bites

2010-02-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

This is the point in the placement where my philosophy bites my reality in the ass. And it hurts. I believe that adequate care provided by a birth parent is better than optimal care provided by someone else. I believe it firmly and wholeheartedly. It governs almost every action I take as a foster care provider. And yet, when I am dealing with a real, live, actual baby (or two) particularly one (or two) that I love more than the air I breathe, and it is time for them to go home to adequate care, I want to believe something else. I want to scream "No, no! She can't do it! They can't go back there!" I want to pack them up and run.

But I smile and tell the worker how pleased I am that they can go home. I'm sure I mean it on some level. I just can't find it today.

Crud!

2010-01-30T20:53:00.000-08:00

The boys had a four night visit this week. I picked them up today and they seemed fine. I got home and Big Boy had pooped. Apparently mom started feeding him food and it wasn't pretty. At all. Then they had their baths and bottles and Big Boy fell asleep. Little Man screamed, and screamed, and screamed. And projectile vomited all over everything including me. He was arching his back and could not be put down. His reflux is in full blown active mode. Mom isn't following the medical orders. He is asleep right now on my chest but we may end up in the ER tonight. Double crud!

Huh?

2010-01-26T00:46:00.000-08:00

I spoke to the boy's GAL today and she had no idea that the county was planning to reunify so quickly. She must agree prior to the boy's return to mom and she has not been consulted at all. She had no idea that mom was having multiple overnights or that she would be leaving the rehab so soon. She is very concerned that after years of admitted drug use the county is ready to return after a few months of sobriety. I don't know that it will make any difference in the plan, but it was odd to me that they are pushing so hard for return yet not consulting the boy's attorney.

What do you think?

2010-01-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

Things are moving along with the boys. They will probably return to mom within a month or so. Mom is doing well and working her program. I am worried about a couple of things, but it won't matter, they are going to return unless mom really blows it before they can. I am in agreement with the return, I really am. Mom has parenting skills, she is attentive and she loves her babies. My concerns are mostly related to the fact that she has been a meth user for years and she has been clean for not quite three months. She is living in a very sheltered, well supervised, treatment facility. She is not interested in the sober living housing they are offering her when she graduates in a month, she wants to be on her own. She has very little support. So she will get the babies back, leave her program and have two babies to care for, one with medical needs, both with delays, in the span of a few weeks. Um. . . then what?

The Honeymoon's Over.

2010-01-10T22:08:00.000-08:00

The boys had another overnight visit this week. I think they are going as well as can be expected. Little Man came home last week in need of medical attention. I don't think it was due to neglect, I just think it was one of those baby things, but I still had to report it. The worker agreed that it was probably not due to neglect, baby was fine and it wasn't a big thing. Mom got a little bent out of shape, but grandma is furious. She was really nasty at the drop off and suggested that she didn't think she could do the transportation anymore. I think she is under the impression that it will put me out if she doesn't pick them up for visits. It really won't, I don't do the transport in this case so it will be the CW who will be put out. I just smiled at her and told her that was fine, she should just let the worker know what was going on.

I guess reality is setting in.

My Poor Babies!

2010-01-02T22:33:00.000-08:00

The boys came back from their overnight visit crying and they continued to cry for about 2 hours. They could not be put down even long enough to change a diaper or pull off their jackets. They finally settled enough to get a bath, PJs and bottles and fall asleep. I hate overnights when the kids are so little. They have no idea what is going on and why their routine is out the window and they aren't home. There is just no good way to transition little babies.

Happy New Year and good night.

2010-01-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all of you, I hope all your new year's wishes come true. My baby boys are spending the first night of 2010 with their mom. Yep, we moved to overnight visits this week. So I'm going to bed in anticipation of a full, uninterrupted night's sleep! Good night.

Whining.

2009-12-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

I'm at an awkward place in this placement. Although mom is doing really well and the boys are going for regular visits, mom and grandma are doing things I don't like. Nothing dangerous, just stuff that irritates me. For example, I pack a diaper bag every time with bottles, a change of clothes and diapers that are the right size for the babies. Every visit they come home in different clothes (whatever) and diapers that I didn't send, that are newborn sized. Big Boy is somewhere between 14-16 pounds. The newborn diaper doesn't even velcro together. It just hangs off his little wee-wee and bugs him. When he pees it soaks all of his clothes so by the time they get back to the pick up place, he is soaked and screaming. Now I know it isn't going to kill him to be uncomfortable and I bring regular cloth diapers and dry clothes to change him at the pick up place so he can ride the rest of the way comfortably, but what is that? Why wouldn't she just use the diapers that I pack, that fit him?

The boys are both on special formula for reflux and digestive issues, but grandma told me on Christmas day that she gives them formula she bought on sale. Even if they weren't on special formula, you can't just randomly switch formula when they are this small. It does explain why they spit up so much all night after visits.

It's not worth whining about any of this stuff to the CW, it will just make me look, well like I am. Whiny. But it irritates me.

Misunderstanding?

2009-12-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

The twins have a visit once a week. Grandma picks them up close to us and takes them to mom and then brings them back. Mom has gotten permission to have them all day on Christmas this week and they have their visit on Saturday. When Grandma dropped them off yesterday she told me she had decided that she'll just keep the boys overnight Christmas and bring them back Saturday afternoon. I just smiled and asked her to be certain the CW calls me to let me know that it had been cleared. She says something like "Well it's OK with you, right? Do I need to call the CW?" Um. That would be a yes.

Grandma really is wrestling with all of this. She keeps talking about how she doesn't want the boys to "go into foster care" because she would never see them again. The boys are in foster care, I would be foster mom. I think she feels like we are some sort of a holding place until Mom gets it together or until they move the boys to a different relative. She seems to think I'm in charge of something or even of everything. Well, I guess I am in charge of something, the dirty diapers!

Christmas Fun!

2009-12-19T23:18:00.000-08:00

We are really fortunate to live in an area with a very large and active foster family association. There have been several Christmas events for fostering families. We've mostly not participated since my babies are so small, Ella is so shy that these events are painful and Peter is too cool for "kid stuff" like Christmas parties. Last week was an exception. I've been working with a church that offers support to fostering families and their big event is a festival for the families in December. I served on the committee this year and have been involved in the planning for months. We spent all day (10am-10pm) Wednesday setting up and much of Thursday (7am-2pm) having the event and cleaning up afterward. I was thoroughly exhausted, but it was an amazing event. The kids had a blast. There were so many fun, well supervised, activities for them to do while their care providers received and wrapped gifts (good ones) for the kids. They laughed and some cried. It was so fun to meet kids that I've been shopping for or praying for. Much energy was spent wrestling bikes into vehicles not meant to hold bikes. Many, many cookies were ingested. Faces were painted. It was just such a wonderful thing to be a part of. I'm already looking forward to next year, it will be bigger and better than ever. Fun stuff!

More Confusion

2009-12-16T22:47:00.001-08:00

I saw the CW for the boys today. She told me to go ahead and schedule medical appointments for them in February. And to schedule them in my neighborhood. And to change their medical plan to the one I want them to be on, but I wasn't going to change it since they were going home immediately. So it looks like they are really not planning to move them soon. Whatever.

They are starting to get really fun. Both of them are smiling now and making little cute baby noises. They both have some delays going on, but they are definitely making progress. Big boy can hold his head up really well when he is on his tummy and he is reaching toward toys on the toy bridge. He is almost able to get his thumb or finger into his mouth and his muscle tone is better every day. Little man (I guess I really need to get these boys some bloggy names) is not quite there, but his muscle tone is improving. He is smiling a lot more and even making some deliberate sounds (other than crying) but not really holding his head up or making deliberate movements with his arms.

If I lay them side by side, big boy will get hold of little man's hand and suck on it. It is adorable. OK enough mama-gushing. I love my babies.

Do I Look Confused?

2009-12-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

I sat in a team meeting last week in which the "team" decided that my boys would be sent home to live with mom in her residential treatment facility. The CW was just waiting to get approval from the GAL and they would be moved immediately. If for some reason the GAL could not or would not give approval, they would shift to transition mode and increase visits and begin doing overnights in anticipation of the boys returning home very, very soon. Then for the rest of the week I heard nothing. Today I called the CW and asked her what was up. She said she had not yet been able to meet with the GAL but that the case plan has changed to leaving the boys here for now. "OK" thinks me, "plan B." So I ask about increased or overnight visits. I am told that there will be no changes at all and that the move is off the table at this time. What? Did something happen? Did mom leave her safe living situation? Must be something, right? Apparently not. Everything is the same but the plan.

To top it all off, I got two calls today for other babies. My placement specialist heard I was going to have openings this week.

Tis the Season!

2009-12-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

My house is total chaos right now. There is clutter everywhere and I can't find, well, I can't find anything! We went out for caroling tonight and Ella had taken her mittens out of the drawer to play with. She couldn't remember where she had left them and I couldn't find them. She went without but as soon as we got home I found them laying on my night table. Right under my pajamas, that I had thrown there this morning. The dining room table is covered with gifts and wrap. The living room is covered in ornament boxes and decoration stuff. The office is full of crafty stuff for making gifts and gifts waiting to be wrapped. Julia's room is full of the boxes all of the decorations were in. There is laundry all over my bed (clean) and there are baking supplies all over the kitchen counter, waiting to be made into something. Ella's little table is covered with school books and supplies. Hmmm. Does that leave any clear surfaces in my house? I don't think so. I have something scheduled every day this week, most days multiple things and I only have about an hour out of 24 that my arms are baby free. So what am I doing with baby free arms? Blogging and Facebooking. What else?

Another New Policy

2009-12-12T14:10:00.000-08:00

There is another new policy affecting how kids come into care around here. This one I really like. In most cases the county is holding team meetings with families prior to removal. They will invite other family members, community members, school staff and anyone else the family thinks could be included in their support system. If it is a situation where the children must be removed immediately, they are holding a meeting within a few days of the removal. They are encouraging and assisting the family in the creation of a safety plan and a support plan. If it is reasonable they will return the children once that is in place. Workers are following the families much more closely and offering them much more support in addition to their in home services (which still suck in our county) Removals are very, very low right now. Particularly children older than toddlers. This is a policy that I think is truly good and helpful. If women are empowered to care for their own children and offered adequate support to do so, perhaps they will work me right out of my job.

New Policy Fun

2009-12-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

Interesting things are happening around here. There is a new policy in effect. It comes with a federal carrot, so f you haven't heard about it yet in your neck of the woods, you probably will! Our county now has a goal of reunifying 80% of children who come into care within nine months. Now someone somewhere probably thought this would reduce the number of children in care and expedite the cumbersome court process so kids who should, can just go on home. And really, I am a big proponent of kids going home to their families. In our county what is happening is that as soon as mom starts to look pretty good, once she has a couple of clean UAs and works her plan for a few weeks, they skip over the gradually increased visits, the overnights and just go straight to reunification. In many (most?) cases the worker, foster parent and sometimes even mom herself knows the kids will be back within a few weeks or so, but they can write that case up as a reunification in less than nine months! It doesn't matter too much what happens after that, they've met the target on that case. When the kids come back, it's the same case and reunification has already happened. Who is this helping?

Team Meeting

2009-12-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

In our county there is a trend toward including everyone on the "team" in any decision making. They hold a Decision Meeting and have everyone involved attend. Everyone goes around the table and offers their view on the strengths, concerns and ideas to improve the outcome of the case. There is facilitated discussion and a consensus is reached and becomes an action plan. Doesn't that sound great? Except it is mostly a big show. At all of them that I've been to now, the county has an action plan, they have made a decision prior to the meeting and the discussion eventually works its way around to that action plan and we all go home happy. There may be some small point that is new or different, but pretty much the plan is whatever the worker and/or supervisor have decided in advance that it will be. It irritates me because it is a waste of time. I'm sure it meets some mandate from on high, but it is a complete waste of my time.

I drove an hour to attend such a meeting today. I hauled the babies, their toys, diapers, bottles, and so on up the street, into the building and up two flights of stairs. I sat in rush hour traffic all the way back across the county after it was over. With two fussy babies who were sick of being in the car.

Prior to the meeting the worker had told me that she was considering discussing returning the babies to mom. She wanted to hear about their day to day care, the health issues, etc. I asked her point blank if she planned to return. She hedged and told me that the team would have to decide together what was best.

At the meeting they kept asking mom what she thought the best outcome for the boys would be. She fumbled around for a while and finally said "Well I guess I'd want them to come live with me at the residential treatment place." BINGO! That's what they wanted to hear so the facilitator zeroed in on that and had mom recite all the good reasons the kids should come home. She did and they all agreed. She had me go through the issues we had talked about on the phone. They asked mom if she could attend to the boys medical needs. She said sure and it was a done deal. They boys will go and live with her. Well, almost a done deal. The GAL has to agree and he was to busy to attend today.

I may very well have agreed that the boys should go, but the show of it irritates me.

Overheard

2009-12-03T22:52:00.000-08:00

Little Neighbor Girl: How do they make the Chipmunks talk in the movie?

Ella: They're not really chipmunks.

Little Neighbor Girl: What?!!!?!?

Ella: They're mice dressed up like chipmunks.

Little Neighbor Girl: Oh. Yeah.

I'm Thankful

2009-11-26T21:39:00.000-08:00

For baby toes and snuggles.
For Ella's curly hair which curls even more after yesterday's short haircut.
For jigsaw puzzles.
For grandchildren who very reasonably explain why they should have one of each dessert item.
For Pumpkin Pie and Eggnog Ice Cream.
To have a grandchild old enough to teach how to crochet.
For Pooch, she's such a good dog, also for super cat who puts up with all the children and even Pooch.
For Julia, just all around being Julia.
To have a roof over my head and food on my table tonight.
That I spent the day surrounded by the people who mean most to me in the world.
To have the best husband in the world (you may think you have the best husband, but you don't. I do).
That it was a beautiful sunny day to celebrate.

I'm thankful that His grace is sufficient for all my needs. I am so blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

No News is Just No News

2009-11-20T21:27:00.000-08:00

Things here are about the same. The boys are growing, sleeping, eating, you know, being babies. They are starting to smile and talk a little so they are super cute. Mom has been in residential treatment for two weeks and seems like she will stay where she is. There is a meeting coming up to decide about long term care for them until mom works her case plan. And we just keep changing diapers.

The boys were not placed here through our region* but from a region that just got a big award for the new and improved way they are managing cases. I have gotten several calls from "team members" to see if I need anything, to be certain the boys can get the services they need and so on. I really like it! One of the team members is a placement specialist that I've worked with before and I really like her. I told her that I was not going to take any cases for my region anymore, all my kids will be from her region. Apparently all of our county is supposed to be modeling after this region, we'll see.

In spite of the fact that we have six (really) bedrooms in this house, I feel like we are all crammed into our one tiny bedroom. Maybe because we are! Since the boys are probably staying a while, I really want to move things around so we are in a bigger bedroom. This will mean that we move our bedroom upstairs and Ella's bedroom upstairs because I don't think she will sleep in her room by herself downstairs (Peter's and Julia's rooms are upstairs) since she doesn't even make it through the night in her own bed when we are right next door. So it means a lot of moving around. Honey HATES change, of any sort. If I replace a photo in a frame, he is unhappy. If I move a chair or (heaven forbid) the sofa he is beside himself. He hates when the Christmas decorations go up and he hates when they come down. So he has no interest in moving anyone's bedroom anywhere. If I want to sleep upstairs, I can go ahead, but I can't take any of the furniture with me. I can, however, take the boys with me since they are far from sleeping through the night. Sigh.

*If you are just tuning in. . my county covers a very large geographical area so it is divided into five regions. Kids are assigned based on where birth mom lives and in theory kids should reside in the region they are placed through. In reality homes are not always available in the region mom lives in, particularly for infants of med frag kids, so sometimes they are placed in a different region.

Oh, I almost forgot. . .

2009-11-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

Back in September Brenda commented:

You guys must feel pretty good about yourselves, adopting out of the foster care system and all of that. Just a quick question here. Did any of their biological parents sign over their rights to you or were they terminated by the court? See, I have a big, big problem with people who foster/adopt because the vast majority of them do it only for the money. As soon as these children turn 18, they will be turned out on the streets. I read articles like that every single day. What favors are you really doing them? They're not sent to college. They're not given any money. It's bye, c-ya later, maybe! If I see you, I might acknowledge your presence but then again, I might not. At least with their REAL parents, they won't get thrown out into the streets.

I've wanted to respond to it for a while, but, you know, life gets crazy around here. So obviously Brenda, you don't read the blog, but please let me clarify things for you.

I know a lot of foster and adoptive parents and I don't know any who do it for the money. The reimbursement we get from the county does not cover the cost of caring for the children we have. Foster parenting is the only volunteer work I have ever done that costs me money out of pocket. I'm not complaining or obviously I wouldn't do it, I'm just stating fact. Adoptive parents don't get any reimbursement unless the children have special or medical needs. Not in our county anyway.

In our county many foster parents continue to house and support the foster youth that have grown up with them. They are part of the family. Every youth in care in our county is offered life skills class beginning when they are 13 years old. This covers everything from balancing a checkbook to what to wear to a job interview. There are summer intern programs so youth in care can get job experience. If they are unable or chose not to stay with their foster family, there are transitional living homes that they can chose to go into. I've visited a couple of them and they are really nice homes. Shared housing with an adviser. Very similar to dorms, but on a smaller scale. In our state if a youth in care gets into college (and in my region there are two foster family association centers that offer tutoring, college counseling and other support at least three days per week all school year) they are given a full scholarship along with a stipend for housing and living expenses. The scholarship is for ANY school they get into. You get into Stanford? Paid. Yale? Paid. If you don't get into college you can take advantage of occupational training because youth who have been in care are given priority and moved to the top of the wait list of the program they are interested in.

Unfortunately many youth are unable to take advantage of the assistance offered them because of organic brain damage from their mother's use of drugs and/or alcohol. Or because of early trauma suffered at the hands of their families. And that is a tragedy, but not one brought on by the foster parents who are trying to help.

Wow!

2009-11-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

Big changes my boy's case today. Mom checked into a 6-12 month residential treatment facility. I think this is a very good thing. The judges all love this particular facility (it is the only long term treatment center in our county) and moms can have their kids with them while they get treatment. Mom will be getting three hour visits twice a week starting tomorrow.

The relatives that the boys are supposed to be moving to have probably been ruled out as an option. Apparently someone in the house has a tiny problem with alcohol. Also the primary caregiver is in very poor health. I'm not sure yet how I feel about this one. On the one hand I don't want the boys going somewhere that's not safe. On the other hand I think all kids should be with their family whenever possible. These kids have a very large extended family but there isn't anyone who has come forward to try to take them, except the one family that won't clear. Maybe once that information gets out someone else will come forward. I'll be surprised, but I've been surprised before.

The CW told me before she spoke to the family, in fact she still hasn't spoken to the family and she asked me not to discuss it with them. No problem there! I'm not touching that one. I think they'll call a meeting and ask all of the players in to decide together, which is a little bit sneaky since they are leaning heavily towards not placing them there. But that is way above my pay grade.

Updates

2009-11-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

I did finally receive a reimbursement check for the twins, but I had to go to the head of the department to get it processed. No idea why that was such a big deal, but whatever, it's done.

I took back the twin stroller. I really, really hated it. In theory it should make things easier, but in reality it was hard to maneuver, the babies (OK mostly just one of them) did not appreciate being put down and you can't very easily push a double stroller while holding a three-month-old baby. It's gone. I am still thinking about Plan B. Renee suggested that I try two slings and I will do pretty soon. I can still get them both into the one and neither of them has enough muscle control yet to sit up on my hip without a lot of support. I also may get a wrap type sling like the Ultimate or a Didymoss and put one in back.

How can two babies be born to the same parents, have the same prenatal experience and life experience have such different temperaments? Little guy is so content and mellow and big boy is, um, higher maintenance. Although I suppose it would be really, really hard to have two big boys.

We ditched the class day Ella was in after being told by the interim (actual director is out on leave and now we hear maybe not coming back) director that there is no way to make it safe. In spite of the fact that it is a public charter school, tax dollars are being spent, but he can't figure out any way to stop bullying from happening at school, in and out of the classroom. Seriously? At any rate we (and several other families) are done. Ella is actually enjoying the slower pace being home every day gives us. I'm not so concerned with keeping up with the lesson plan because I know over the whole week there is time to get it done and I'm working on some other shared inqiry type learning situations. Anyone interested in a read aloud book club? Kindergarten writing circle? Come on over.

Big boy is requesting attention, so that all the updates for today!

Up to Date.

2009-10-27T00:06:00.000-07:00

As a rule, I don't try to put babies into a stroller until they are sitting up fairly well, somewhere around 7 months or so. I wear them in a sling until then. But I broke down today and bought a double stroller. I can still get the boys both into a sling, but it's tight and I can't do it for very long. Honey will happily wear one if we are going somewhere together, but I really am starting to have a hard time doing things like the library or grocery shopping or any other kind of shopping for that matter on my own. Since Honey feels compelled to work full time, I'm kind of up-a-creek during the week. So, the double stroller. I didn't actually put them in it today. I'm going to meet a friend for coffee tomorrow morning so thought I would try it then.

We have a new worker who I will meet later this week. I kind of like her already though, she is picking mom up at her house and transporting her across the county to do a visit because mom doesn't have transportation. She is working hard at getting the grandparents cleared to at least do the visits so they can bring the baby to her and she won't have this ongoing struggle with getting somewhere to see her babies.

I found out this week that the county is unable to reimburse me for these babies because mom is still getting cash aid for them. Apparently they are unwilling to pay both of us to care for the children and they've decided to pay the mom who isn't caring for them. Go figure!

Your up to date now.

Sorry!

2009-10-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. My life is so full right now. I'm loving every minute of it. OK maybe not so much the awake minutes between midnight and six and there are way too many of them, but most of the rest of them.

The twins are growing like little weeds. One of them much more so than the other. We had no case worker for a couple of weeks, but I heard on Monday that a new one has been assigned. Apparently the case was moved to a different district because mom moved (she's homeless, I'm not sure how they determined her "move" but whatever) to the new district. The maternal grandparents are theoretically planning to take the boys, but there are problems, so who knows on that front. The smaller of the boys seems to have some delays, more assessment pending. The bigger boy has some issues with his scull and may need a helmet. Dr. B suspects little brother was pushing on his head for 7 1/2 months and mashed his plates together.

Ella started attending a class day at a charter school a few hours per week and it has proved to be an unmitigated disaster. We've chosen to stay home this week until I can make a decision about the rest of the semester. She is happy and learning just fine at home. I'd like her to be in some sort of group activity but maybe (probably) something else.

I guess that brings you up to date. I've got a crying baby to see about!

Still Here

2009-10-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been quiet for a while. I am overwhelmed with life. I think I'm having a good day, one in which I've showered in the last 24 hours and perhaps brushed my hair or teeth and then I realize I'm at the grocery store wearing my pajama pants. The twins are so very cute and so very, very sweet and oh so demanding and not so very sleepy.

I was in the store formerly known as price club and I had them both in the sling. A woman asked me if I had a two headed baby. I assured her that I did.

A man at the local TJ's chased me through the store with his cell-cam trying to take pictures of them. He got really, really bent out of shape when I wouldn't let him.

Everywhere we go people want to touch them and kiss them. Um - keep your germy hands offa my babies people! Ella has started saying "yes they're twins, two boys, eight weeks old" as soon as anyone approaches. It's kind of funny. I've learned to just keep moving as I smile and answer.

Lily and her family moved away to northern California a couple of months ago so we flew out to visit them last week, with the boys. The kids were so, so good, but it was quite an adventure. I did get to visit Britex, my favorite fabric store in the world, while we were passing through San Francisco on our way to their new digs. It is almost, but not quite, unbeleivable that she is the same baby that came to me at four months old. She asked me several times to tell her things she did when she was a baby and things she and Ella did together. I am so thankful to be in her life and to have her still in mine.

OK my brain is shutting down fast, I will try to post more details about the case, life and laundry soon! Oh, and if anyone is in the neighborhood and wants to come clean my bathroom, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get to it for a while, so come on by!

Secret Blogging

2009-09-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

I got an email this week from a fellow foster care giver and blogger who has been asked to shut down the blog by her county. I don't know if they gave a reason or not, the blog is anonymous, but they asked that it be shut down. The email asked if this had happened to me. I started to just reply but I thought others may be on this situation sometime so I'll share my thoughts here.

In spite of the fact that I'm not especially anonymous, I am quite certain that no one from my county knows I blog. I live in a very large county. One in which the record keeping is far from streamlined. I'm confident in saying that there isn't any single person working there who knows all of the stuff I have blogged about over the last couple of years. There is no way for someone to look at my file and see the cases I've had. They could see how long I've been licensed through them and what I'm licensed for. In some cases they could see what children are currently in my home and that my dog died. That's about it. There is no job at my county office that involves paying attention to foster families. In the private agency there was a social worker assigned to each family so if I were still there someone would recognize the cases. Repeated visits to my home are rare, a baby's attorney once, a worker once or twice, I haven't had therapists in my home for a while now, but they aren't county workers. My licensing worker comes once a year, but the last two have only been here once so I don't mind showing pictures of parts of my home now and again. Most county workers have never (or not for a very long time) laid eyes on Ella or Peter or Julia so the no-face photos I post sometimes wouldn't mean anything to them.

There are a couple of people in our local foster family association who might recognize some stuff, but I'm not that involved with anyone for them to know much. And I can count on one hand my real life friends who know anything about the blog, even less of them actually read it ever.

In addition to that I (you will be shocked) don't report all the details accurately. I might say something happened today or this week that really happened last week. I might say that a worker is a she when in fact is a he.

So, no. No one has ever asked me to do anything with my blog and I don't expect anyone ever will. What about you? Does your county know you blog? Do they have opinions about it?

Phone Access

2009-09-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

Lots of you comment about birth parent calls when I mention them. In our county birth parents must be given a number to allow them access to their children. Lately I know some foster families are getting a prepaid cell phone that is dedicated to birth parent calls. Most foster homes, including ours, are confidential but every parent must give a phone number that will be answered or responded to in a timely way so parents can speak to their children or get direct news of their children from their caregiver. There are cases when the court deems it inappropriate for parents to have direct phone contact with the kids, in that case the foster parent is supposed to listen in on an extension, but they still get to call. The thing I find interesting is that the birth parents rarely call. They'll call a few times in the beginning and then rarely after that, often not even on birthdays and such. I generally try to get important info out of them early on because I know I may not have a chance later.

Birth Mom

2009-09-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of calls from the boy's birth mom. She is trying to find something wrong with my care because she doesn't want the boys to be here. They shouldn't ride in the car, they shouldn't be at school, park,market, etc. Does she think that if there is something wrong here and the boys are moved, they will be moved back into her care? They won't.